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United States / Sexual Assault

How to Apologize for Sexual Assault

*This article is a piece of satire*

It’s a stressful time for white, powerful men. Every day it seems there’s a brand new sexual assault accusation. Countless women within the last two months have been coming forward and calling out successful movie producers, comedians, talk show hosts, and government officials. These men have been tarnished, their reputations ruined. And who knows—you could be next.

Of course, what makes these allegations so difficult is the need to respond to them. Apologizing for sexual assault is unimaginably challenging. You have to say just the right thing to placate the women coming forward, but not fully admit to your crime. So tricky!  

In order to make this process just a bit easier, here are some tips that can help you craft the perfect apology to your accuser.

  1. No matter what (or how many thousands of dollars you’ve paid out in settlements) deny, deny, deny.  
  2. Express your sorrow and regret, but assure everyone that not everything is true. If you’ve done anything wrong, it is definitely not as bad as women are claiming. Just because you commit sexual assault or harassment doesn’t mean you are a disgusting, immoral monster.
  3. Chalk it up to growing up in a different time. The 60s and the 70s, man, those times were wild. Growing up in this environment, how could you not have learned to treat women this way? That’s just how it was done. But now you are learning that the times, they are a-changin’: you can’t just greet women at the door in your bathrobe like you used to. Ah, time. What a shame.
  4. On that note, acknowledge how grateful you are to have this wake-up call. Without this accusation, you never would have realized that some people might consider your behavior to be inappropriate, offensive, or hurtful. So really this is just one of those blessing-in-disguise kind of moments.
  5. Build on this point by assuring everyone that this has been a valuable learning experience for you. But more than that, this is a learning moment for all of America. Nationwide, men and women are just now, in these last two months or so, learning that talking explicitly about your fantasies to interns, exposing yourself to coworkers, and even keeping a secret button under your desk is wrong. Say what?!? Our country is moving forward now, thanks to all of this eye-opening information.
  6. Claim that you never realized that your position of power actually might have influenced women to say yes when they really wanted to say no. You always believed it was enough to ask women if they wanted to see your penis (who doesn’t, am I right?). But you never realized that, being a successful, famous, wealthy, white male, women actually might not feel like they can say no in the first place. Who knew?
  7. Say that you always believed the feelings were mutual. These women wanted this just as much as you did. They got pleasure out of it too.  
  8. Make sure everyone knows how much those women admired you. In fact, they admired you so much that they felt they had to please you, felt they owed it to you to prove just how much they admired you. You are, after all, an admirable person.
  9. Proudly claim that you are now going to a therapist to work out your problems. You need to work out your anger, which is your main priority right now. It’s time for you to get healthy. To heal.
  10. Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol. You were just getting loose. And more importantly, you currently have no memory of the incident, therefore you are rightfully guilt-free.  
  11. Blame God for not protecting you from these allegations. There is nothing worse than being accused of sexual assault. Not only are you affected, but your poor kids! What about them? Their lives are ruined just because you are their father. How could God let this happen to them, and to you? Tell everyone how much you wish these kinds of accusations didn’t happen (and pray that God is listening to you for future reference).
  12. Blame it on all the dirty, dirty politics. It’s those Democrats. It’s those Republicans. They’re just trying to keep you out of office. It’s a smear campaign.
  13. Or, blame the LGBTQ community. These liberals are really the ones to blame. They are trying to take control of this country and keep upstanding, hardworking people like you out of the government. The devils.
  14. And if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em: come out.

I hope these tips get you through these trying times.